In memory of an incredible blessing!

So as always...when my heart hurts, my fingers find the keys...sweet relief. To take the pain and put it on paper somehow comforts me. I don't know what brings pain on. I'm not sure if it is just life in general or memories that taunt my emotions. But it can be even the best of days that bring pain, as easily as the worst.

Sometimes the strain of open wounds can bring me to my knees. Others, the joy of a peaceful day gives time for reflection on missed memories. Tonight, its the latter. Today was a wonderful day. Today was peaceful, simple, and fulfilling. Today I loved on three amazing children. Today I was told "I love you" by a four year old with no inhibitions. A child who speaks exactly what she feels and is not afraid to say it! And somehow...those words..."I love you" are completely different coming from a child. Children say what they want...I love you, I hate you, I want you to go away, I miss you, ... they don't hold back and they don't worry about how it will be taken or what the outcome will be. It is raw and its honest!

I am blessed! Truly blessed to have a career that surrounds me with such honesty! I wish I learned more how to be so honest in return. How to not care ... but to just speak the truth of my emotions. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I miss you. I love you.

So all that to say, I have dealt inwardly for over a month. Truth be known, with most things in my life I do that. I hold it all inside and I deal, until the emotions pass. However, sometimes it just becomes too much.

The best part of working with children is that when they love you, you do not question it. You can trust it! And that love both given to you and by you becomes a life long commitment! When you love a child...you love them forever. Any parent can attest. That love produces hope for them, joy in them, encouragement for them and pride in who they become.

The worst part about my job is when that love leads you into a situation where you feel pain that is inconceivable. When a child loses his way and chooses to betray the morals they were taught, or when fear of them facing pain, both mental or physical, consumes you. Or in this case, when pain of losing a child envelopes you.

I am a 28 year old single female with no children, of my own. But I have had the privilege of LOVING and caring for more children than I can count. I am not their parent, nor would I ever try to overstep into that position. But 20 years from now...they can count on me still having that same sense of pride in who they are. The same hope for who they can become, and the same joy in loving them.

In October, Hallee Cartwright passed away. I nannied her and her sister for 2 1/2 years. They were two precious and energetic kids! They were full of life, and I was blessed to spend most every day of those years with them. At that time, so many people asked me why I worked such long hours or would be there at the first ring of my phone...For each birthday, or special occasion. And today I look back and see that it wasn't dedication for my job...it was dedication for those girls! It was because I loved who they were and I was proud of their accomplishments, however big or small. And now, having lost one of them, I wish I would have been there even more. I wish I could have just one more memory, or story to reflect on. One more laugh, or even tear...so long as it was with her.

And with where I am now...that is why I love what I do...because every moment is special. Even if it seems insignificant to us...it is one more memory we will have later! So don't miss out...Don't over look or trade those moments...

We are not guaranteed another hour...you hear the statement ever so often...but truth is, we aren't! We have this moment, right now. And it is up to us to seize those moments or miss them...and trust me on the side of the situation where you don't have any more opportunities...you want to know you had all the moments you could.